


Or More Like Your Ghost

by howveryzoe



Category: Spring Awakening - Sheik/Sater
Genre: F/F, didn't proof read, girl based, hernst is mentioned but this is NOT a hernst fic at alll, lowkey for zo my darling, not much more to it, sweet gay fluff, to combat lydia's angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-07-14 11:41:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7169585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howveryzoe/pseuds/howveryzoe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anna has had a agonizing, heartbreaking, awful, embarrassing, totally unrequited crush on her best friend Martha Bessel since freshman year.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Or More Like Your Ghost

Anna has a secret she’s never told anyone.

Well, no, that’s a lie she told her best friend Thea but she tells Thea everything.

And she is certain Thea told her twin sister Melitta and her brother Hanschen.

But no one knows besides them.

Though, now that she thinks about it, Hanschen certainly told his boyfriend Ernst because it’s not like he would keep this from him. And Ernst probably told his best friend Moritz.

That’s it though no one else knows.   
Though Moritz definitely told Melchior. Who most likely told Wendla too. And if Wendla knows that means Ilse knows. 

And come to think of it, Ernst is awful at keeping secrets and sits next to Georg. So it’s a given that if he knows, Georg knows too.

Georg is best friends with Otto, who’s had a crush on her since sixth grade. And he suddenly has left her alone. So he knows too then, 100%.

And that’s just about her whole friend group.

So she’d like to revise her previous statement: Anna doesn’t really have a secret.

At least she doesn’t have a secret from the world. But she does have a secret from the one person who matters. The person who that secret is about.

But to explain that we have to go back to Freshman year.

Back when Anna was still in the closet and her best friend was Martha Bessel.

She hadn’t really figured it all out for herself until a school trip to a waterpark.

Melchior had insisted she go down the big slide on a floaty, despite her protests and the employees saying they weren’t even certain it was safe for a girl paralyzed below the waist.

And after a few agonizing seconds rushing down the dark tube she found herself caught in Martha Bessel’s thin but surprisingly strong arms. The shy fourteen year old holding her afloat and making sure she was comfortable in her floaty. It took one look into the other girl’s eyes, watching her thick black braids dripping with water and the way the sun hit her dark skin, and Anna was absolutely hooked. Like some fairy tale princess, lights went off in her head and birds seemed to chirp about as if on cue. 

“Are you alright Anna?” Martha signed carefully.

“What...oh yes!” She responded perhaps too enthusiastically.

“Melchior is a dick.” Martha signs laughing.

“He meant well, it was fun.” Anna tells her but doesn’t dare contradict the other girl. Suddenly having her best friend’s attention and approval was the most important thing in the world.

Because Anna had grown up with Martha Bessel but she’d never really LOOKED at Martha Bessel. Never saw her as more than a girl to giggle with about the newest One Tree Hill episode with over skype at one am.  

She spends the rest of the trip nearly attached to her hip, buying her cheese fries and funnel cake. Letting Martha push her chair around. She wins her a stuffed squid at one of those stupid games and Anna is nearly crying. On the bus ride home the other girl rests her head on her shoulder as they are bumped along at the back. And Anna has never been happier.

And then exactly a week later she is going home from school when she sees Moritz Stiefel standing in front of Martha. He’s not very tall but he manages to dwarf her small frame. They are signing close to each other and she is leaning against the brick wall. His hand goes to her face and carefully, tentatively, he leans in to kiss her. And Martha doesn’t push him away.

Anna says nothing and makes her way home, telling herself it’s stupid to cry. That she should be happy for Martha. That what she felt at the waterpark was nothing more than admiration or maybe sisterly love. That she’s just jealous of her friend now having a hot boyfriend while all her offers are from Otto Lammermeier. Simple as that.

Martha can barely contain her excitement that the sweet, thoughtful, mysterious, Moritz Stiefel would ever be interested in her. That he would kiss her so softly.

“You wouldn’t believe it Anna! He never makes anything hurt. He understands completely. And we can just talk for hours on end! He thinks he’s an idiot but he’s honestly the smartest person I know.” Martha gushes, her eyes getting dreamy and glossed over and her signs fluid and lyrical. Anna can only nod her head along and try to replace her name with Moritz’s in her mind. 

Near the end of the year things start to get bad at Martha’s home. They were always bad Anna remembered. In fact she’d only been there once or twice, the other girl trying to shield her from them constantly. But apparently she told Moritz everything. And Moritz had put his foot down. Decided that what she was facing was too much for her to handle. He’d asked Melchior what to do and Melchior’s mom had called CPS. By the end of the week Martha was gone and her father and mother arrested.

Anna wasn’t angry at all. Truly, she had been the one comforting Moritz when they found out Martha was going to live with family in another state for the time being. And she had wanted to get Martha out of her house for years. This was a good thing. But she missed her. She missed her so badly. And Martha didn’t have a phone or social media or anything. She just dropped off the map.

She dropped off the map for nearly two years.

And came back fully grown, happier, and ten times more beautiful in Anna’s opinion on the first day of their senior year.

And Anna doesn’t think she can handle this.

Because Anna has a secret, an obvious one and certainly a cliched one but a secret nonetheless. She is hopelessly in love with her best friend. 

And therein lies all her problems.

Because yes, Martha and Moritz grew apart with time and are no longer dating, but Martha is straight. Martha is disgustingly straight. Martha probably could watch the steamiest lesbian porn around and think the girls in it were cuddling. Anna even once tried to tell Martha before she left and Martha had just said “oh! Anna I love you too!” and kissed her chastely on the cheek.

Anna thinks this is some sort of punishment.

No one should have a best friend this kind and wonderful and beautiful and not be able to date them. It’s not fair.

And even more so is that she doesn’t want to scare Martha off. Make her think their whole friendship was all about her getting in her pants. That Anna is some lesbian predator. Because that’s as far from a lie as possible.

So she’s basically just letting this fester inside of her until she slowly dies.

And that’s totally cool.

Well, no it isn’t. But what can you do?

She’s hanging out with Thea in the park when she brings it up, her brown eyes glinting mischievously. 

“When are you going to tell her?” Thea asks.

“Tell who?” Anna replied.

“Martha.”

“Tell Martha what?”

“Don’t play dumb you already told me.”

“That! That was a month ago! I’m over her I swear, I was just a little confused. I value her friendship so much it got muddled.” Anna protests angrily, her blonde curls shaking with frustration. Thea raises an eyebrow carefully and glares at her.

“Bullshit Anna. What are you the main character in a lesbian coming of age film? We’re too old for this.” Thea leans back as she signs, rolling her eyes back into her head. “Besides you’re so stuck up your own ass I have half a mind to just tell her myself.”

“No! Thea please! That would be the worst thing possible! I swear, it’ll go away.” Anna signs frantically, terrified that her friend will expose her. “I don’t want to ruin our friendship. She’s totally straight, it would just make her upset. Please, promise me you’ll never tell her okay?”

“You’re going to regret this you know.” Thea tells her.

“Thea promise me.” Anna signs firmly.

“Okay, I promise, sure, fine, get over it.” Thea responds. Anna smiles, satisfied and lets the conversation go elsewhere.

It’s too bad she forgot Rilows are notorious for breaking promises. 

That Sunday night the girls were having a skype call. Anna was studying and hadn’t joined yet and Martha wasn’t home from work so it was just Thea, Melitta, Wendla, and Ilse.

“Oh my God Anna won’t stop texting you.” Melitta complains as the vibrating phone has interrupted their conversation five times already. “What is this even all about?”

“Oh yeah, yeah, it’s just her bemoaning about her long lost love.” Thea says sarcastically, placing her hand on her forehead and imitating a swoon.

“You mean Martha?” Wendla signs, trying not to laugh at Thea’s mockery.

“Of course she does. Honestly they’re nauseating. It’s so obvious and she acts like it’s the biggest secret in the fucking world.” Melitta responds checking her nails as she signs.

“I think it’s sweet! And it’s not like Anna is the only one to ever have a crush.” Wendla responds defending her friend. “You had that huge crush on Otto when we were freshman Melitta.” 

Melitta hits her face with her hand. “Ugh, please don’t remind me.”

“She should just grow a pair and kiss her at this point.” Ilse signs dryly. “Seriously, what is she waiting for her? It’s been literal years.”

“She’s too scared.” Thea replies. “She thinks Martha is gonna reject her and she can’t handle that.”

“Yeah but at least it’ll be off her chest. If she doesn’t tell her soon I know I will.” Before Ilse is even finished signing this Martha joined the call.

“Hey guys! Tell who what?” She signs smiling brightly. All four girls stare back at her shocked, a blush creeping onto all of their faces. “What’s up you guys look like you saw a ghost? And where’s Anna?”

Tell her Thea.” Ilse signs firmly.

“Tell me what?”

“Forgot it Martha.”

“No really tell me what? C’mon this is weird.” 

“If you don’t I will.” Ilse warns and Melitta nods her head in agreement. Thea sighs and raises her hands to speak.

“Anna likes you.” 

“What?! What do you mean?”

“Anna likes you, like she like likes you.” 

Martha continues staring back blankly, uncomprehending. “I don’t understand.”

Wendla smiles sympathetically. “Anna has a crush on you Martha.”

“Oh! Oh my, oh MY.” Martha signs, her hands placed over her face, embarrassment clear on her features. “Are you, are you quite sure Thea?”

“Certain.” 

“I have to go.” And with that her laptop is slammed shut. The four girls stare at her empty box on the screen for a moment in stunned silence.

Then in almost perfect comedic timing, Anna’s smiling blonde-haired face appears on the screen.

“Hey girls what’s up?” She signs brightly. 

The tension is more than evident.

Finally Thea breaks the silence.

“Please don’t hate me.”

“Why would I hate you?” Anna signs laughing a little. But the stony anxious faces of her friends cut her off.

“Look it isn’t a big deal and someone was gonna find out anyway. Like you honestly made something out of absolutely nothing.” Melitta tells her groaning.

“I don’t get it.” Anna signs, but she has a hunch and is being to shake just thinking about it.

“I told Martha.” Thea admits woefully. Anna’s face turns bright red.

“Thea you didn’t!” She nearly shrieks as she signs. Thea’s guilty face tells it all.

“I can’t believe it! Thea you promised!” 

“Look it’s not entirely her fault-” Wendla begins apologetically.

“I don’t care! I trusted you! All of you!” Tears are slipping down her cheeks in anger now. Never in her life has Anna been more embarrassed. More terrified. 

“Woah calm down!” Ilse tries to tell her.

“Calm down?! Are you serious? She probably hates me! She’s never going to speak to me again! Do none of you get it?”

No response.

“Oh fuck all of you.” With that she too slams her computer closed. 

Anna feels sick to her stomach. Like her whole world is probably ending. Because she couldn’t lose Martha’s love as she didn’t have it. But now she’s lost her friendship too. And what does she have without that at this point?

She cries herself to sleep.

In the morning she wakes up, grateful for a Saturday as she won’t have to face school and everyone knowing til Monday. She checks her phone and finds her first notification.

**TXT from Martha** ❤❤ **☆☆✌** : hey. We need to talk. Meet me at the park entrance by 11?

Anna freezes. Martha thinks she doesn’t know. Martha probably wants to confront her. Martha wants to yell at her for being an awful person who used her friendship to fulfil her stupid hormonal lesbian desires. Anna feels herself sweating and her hands shaking as she responds “ok.” She hurries to get dressed and out the door as fast as possible.

When she rolls up to the park Martha is already there. Standing at the entrance she looks uncomfortable, shifting her weight between her sneakered feet. 

Anna tells herself she is ready. She has prepared a speech of apologies and understanding that goes on for a full minute. She’s certains she’s going to cry at some point and possibly quote Shakespeare.

“Look, before you say anything I’ve come to apologize. It was so wrong of me to keep this from you and I want you to know that you are first and foremost my friend and I get that you’re straight and-” Before Anna can finish the line Martha has leaned down and captured her rambling lips with a kiss. 

And woah. Martha is kissing her. It’s like all her fourteen year old daydreams have come true. Martha is kissing her sweetly and running her fingers through her curly hair and Anna’s hands are on her face and it’s fucking incredible. 

It really is.

When she finally pulls away Martha is kneeling on the ground and Anna is almost panting for breath.

“So what was all that about me being straight?” Martha signs grinning deviously. Anna says nothing but leans forward and kisses her triumphantly. Ignoring the passerbyers staring at the gross display of teenaged affection.

Anna has a secret.

Well, not really a secret. Just something she’s never told anyone to be exact.

She’s madly in love with Martha Bessel.

And when she holds her hand, or strolls with her in the park, or goes swimming with her at the beach, or kisses her between classes at school, or lies with her on the white sheets of her bed, or holds her when one of them needs a good cry, she thinks that maybe it isn’t a secret.

And she thinks that maybe Martha Bessel loves her too.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> So I'm probably the only person who ships them but I really ship them  
> @ the fandom write more girl based fics.  
> (says me who is pumping out hernst fic after hernst fic)  
> anyway.  
> please review and come to me with questions!  
> im littlehansy on tumblr and maxvontrenks on twitter


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